Cheeni kum?

Lately I've been in a weird, no, absolutely bizarre phase of my life. Never do I remember being so confused, so puzzled about what I want, who I want, what do I want from them and most importantly what do I want from myself. Where do I see myself going or where is it that I want to go?..I do sound baffled, Don't I? 

Its not like am sad or upset about something, its more like am standing on a junction with a few roads right in front of me and I don't know which one to take (and the one that am supposed to take, am not sure if I want to). And with this commotion in my head, I find myself in an unfamiliar territory because I had always thought I was the most sorted kid around. You see, I have always been an ambitious kid, who wanted to do great things in life. I still am ambitious, I still want to do great things but I'd really thought I would have figured those "great things" by now and started to work towards them. 

Sometimes, I feel so frustrated I just want to go out and run and run (like actually run) till all of it is out of my body but somehow some part of it just never seems to go away. I don't want to sound off-putting here or come across as a negative person but I really feel like something is missing, and since everything in my head is so muddled up right now, I don't know what that is. Is it some kind of motivation am looking for or just some inspiration? No idea. 

There have been a few events in recent past which have left me feeling sort of vulnerable and I feel like am constantly looking for support from anywhere I could get it (and believe me, it isn't easy for me to actually say it here, because I always have this strong face on) or make excuses for everything that I can't or don't want to do. So, I guess I just need to find back the sense of myself till I become strong enough to actually know what I really want or maybe I already know what I want and I just need to find the strength to get what I know I want and keep going. Am I making any sense? Guess not! 

Lets start again. 

I think all am trying to say here is, right now my life is not perfect (its almost a mess) but whose life is? There's always gonna be something missing! We're always gonna want more or something else. Grass will always be greener (and all sorts of different colours) on the other side. The idea of a happy life, I guess, is to constantly keep adding some sugar, some spice to the dish you've decided to cook. 

Generally when I start writing an entry, I start with a question or an opinion, I try to analyse and explain it, and just brainstorm and reach a conclusion. But, since today there is already an ongoing storm in my brain I don't really think I can possibly reach an outcome here. However, even in this chaotic environment, what I do know is, that it is very important to constantly keep challenging yourself, to keep throwing yourself in situations that require a lot more effort on your part than you can sign up for and to just keep going, perpetually. The idea here is to not tire or exhaust yourself but to just never have the time to even think if you're tired! Its when you stop looking for unnecessary problems with your life would you be able to stop searching for answers that don't really exist. You may have a different opinion or (since perfection might have different meaning for different people) a perfect life. Anyway, what's the fun if you already have all the answers, I mean that way you lose the scope of any further growth, right? Come to think of it, maybe all this is just me growing up. Nothing to worry about. 
Phew! That's a load off!
But I still do feel that it's important to keep wanting more and never completely settling for what you already got. That attitude will always keep you a little more hungry, a little more passionate about life. But that's just me.

So, what do you think is missing? sugar? spice? or a little of both? 

Go figure.

Untill next time!